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KIrim Pesan
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-Yuuki Kurosu : Pureblood Vampire of Vampire Knight-
-Cirucci Thunderwitch : Arrancar of Bleach-
-Rukia Kuchiki : Shinigami of Bleach-
-Flare Collen Flowa : Saiyajin of Dragon Ball AE-
-Lorelie O'Byrne : Original Character for Devil May Cry-
-Nevan : Demoness of Devil May Cry 3-
-Leilythia : High Elven of IMVU-
-Neivan : Blood Elf Death Knight of World of Warcraft-
-Keia : Draenei Priest of World of Warcraft-
-Jez : Fennec Fox Shape Shifter-
-Vic : Tabby Cat Shape Shifter-
-Many Many Original Characters-
Needless to say I am often very confused. My mind is like a Rubik’s cube and my sense of self transient to the point where I am not even sure I am corporeal sometimes. I spend a lot of time in analytical reverie and therefore my attention span is very short so it’s difficult for me to feel interested in anything less than extreme. So if I seem like I don’t give a fuck. I probably don’t.
Or I care a lot more than I’d have you think.
...
If you’re ever unlucky enough to meet me in person you’ll probably find that I am a lot more amiable than I appear and most probably quite shy. [Lol. Sometimes.] This doesn’t mean I want to be your best fucking friend forever, I just believe that you should treat others how you’d want to be treated and I hate being treated like a cunt.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like meeting new people and I love making people laugh, but I’m far too neurotic for my own good and I really wouldn’t like to press that on anyone other than the people that have already been stupid enough to let me in (and I say that with all the affection in the world!)
You may be wondering why I’m telling you this but I find it more respectful to be honest and in my opinion there are too many people that try to aggrandize themselves over the internet to give the portrayal of perfection and I am far from perfect.
Though there are things about myself that I would like to change if I could I still believe that it is better to be erroneous otherwise the world we live in would become very tiresome and I averse the mundane much like I would a box of rotting fish heads on my doorstep. In any case our social paradigms make it incredibly strenuous for anyone to achieve perfection and considering what that really entails today I think I am quite thankful.
At the end of the day our flaws are unparalleled and incomparable, they are what separates us and I think that people could lead healthier lives if they were allowed to accept that rather than having pictures of super skinny girls and heavily muscled men shoved in their faces every time they open a magazine or turn on the T.V.
Anyway, I digress.
I am one small person in a massive universe and really don’t see myself as of any real importance in the grand scheme of things. I believe that though I may possess some unique quirks I am not special and I dislike the common human trait of needing to feel different. I don’t think a person’s worth is measured in Brownie points for being an ‘individual’ and people get so caught up in being ‘original’ that they completely lose sight of who and what they really are.
The human ego is astonishing. We feel the need to control and manipulate everything to make ourselves feel more secure because if our lives don’t play out as we planned then it’s like it’s all gone to waste, when really maybe we should just feel glad that we get to experience this.
Because when it comes down to it though we can try to dominate every aspect of our lives it’s really down to the actions of others as to whether or not we get what we want. You can after all, bid a horse to water but you can’t make him drink and I believe that I’m not so much an arbiter of my own destiny as I am a hedonist running around with guns blazing hoping I don’t shoot myself in the foot.
. M Y . P E R S O N A L I T Y .
I’m still not sure of who I am as a person, and I don’t pretend to. Our personalities change on a day to day basis and whether it’s a small change or a big one, we’re never exactly the same people we were yesterday.
Or in my case, a few hours ago.
Right now, I’m the kind of person who likes to roleplay on IMVU with deep fascinating stories enriched with mysteries and romance, while enjoying a nice cup of peachy green tea, while occasionally looking outside the window and commenting on what a God awful day it is. Yes, I am a RPer. Yeahhh, right about now I'm probably scanning poledancing videos on YouTube trying to determine my next trick. Yes, I am a pole dancer. (Excercise, and dance only. No, I'm not a stripper. ) Right now, I'm the kind of girl that misses the smell of the ocean air, and smell of white gardenia. With a heavy case of A.D.O.S. [Attention Deficiency OH SHINY!]Right now I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in Georgia. Right now I am the kind of person that will laugh at all your stupid jokes just to make you feel smarter, unless they’re really bad, in which case I will look on you with condolence and give you a pat on the head, because right now I am the kind of person who will condescend to you for speaking nonsense.
Right now I feel completely insecure about myself but wouldn’t dare talk to you about it in person. Seriously, even if you came up to me and said �I read on your blog that you’re feeling insecure, want to talk about it?� I would give you a big smile and tell you not to take the internet so literally.
And right now, in this moment, I guess I could say I am uncertain. Uncertain about life and how to spend or waste mine. Almost completely incapable of making decisions or more importantly maybe, making the right ones?
My world passes in a succession of images that skip like a damaged record between states of complete lucidity and lurid visions, thus my memories appear to me kind of like scenes in a film and I often have little palpable memory of what went on between them. I do try to improvise a lot of the time but mostly just have to accept that I have no valid logic and that I will never be a Doctor or a Lawyer or a gadget-clad super hero who stalks the streets at night dressed like a giant bat. Fortunately I think I can just about live with that as it seems much easier nowadays just to draw a few pictures of boobs and brand yourself an artist =D Hell yes!
And seriously, when you strip it down to its fundamentals are boobs any more artistic than taking a shit? Mebbe.
All jokes aside though I am a creative at heart and I find inspiration in everything (You know, stuff and junk) Art is my solace and I often feel that it’s the only thing I am truly akin with, the only thing that’s natural. My work is often focused on moments of torridity and I like to push boundaries and experiment with psychology, paradigms and paraphernalias because of the effect they have on our everyday lives and it helps me confront my fears about my future in society in a constructive way.
It means more to me than I could explain and without it I fear I’d be completely empty even though I still feel like no one will ever understand the way I see the world or the things I try to capture.
Even so I think for the most part I am as much a mystery to myself as anyone else.
I float in an spilled Inkwell, bleeding into a vision of something I can't feel with even a fifth of what I'd like to. My life is as fragile and expendable as the liquid that drips through the lips of an Orchid.
I'll live as in a dream and hope never to wake up.